Юмор
Шутки и анекдоты
Для зарядки бодрости и духа
— А почему ты до сих пор не замужем?
— Потому что ношу кольцо «Спаси и сохрани».
Вот так и живем: он у меня в сердце, а я у него в друзьях…
Вы думаете, сказки начинаются со слов “Жили-были”?. Ошибаетесь, сказки начинаются со слов “Успокойся, дорогая, она всего лишь моя знакомая!”
– Девушка, это вы сережку в парке потеряли?
– Я!
– Так пойдите к администратору и заберите. А то он сдаст ваше сокровище в вытрезвитель.
До беременности я спала на животе. Во время беременности — на боку. После рождения ребенка могу спать даже стоя!
Дорогой, пишу тебе оттуда, куда ты меня послал. Удачно, кстати!!! Хрен оказался с квартирой, деньгами и на колёсах!
Если мужчина пригласил на тортик с чаем, значит ты и без водки красивая.
Женщина звонит диетологу:
– Доктор, мне кажется, у меня лишний вес.
– Почему вы так решили?
– Да вот, купила сегодня говорящие весы, взвесилась на них.
– И что же они вам сказали?
– Они сказали: “По одному, пожалуйста”.
Женщины держат мужчин: глупые — за горло, умные — за (ну Вы понимаете) мудрые — за руку, гениальные — вообще не держат.
— Мам, а что это у тебя живот все больше и больше?
— Доча, я ела арбуз и случайно проглотила семечку, теперь внутри меня растет новый арбузик!
Дочка руки в боки:
— А НЕ БЕРЕМЕННА ЛИ ТЫ, ГОЛУБУШКА?
Мы, женщины, набираем вес потому, что накопленные с годами знания, опыт, мудрость не умещаются в нашей голове и начинают распределяться по всему телу!
— Ой, девки, а я вчера напилась и вырубилась. Потом проснулась и начала танцевать на столе…
— Ну, с кем не бывает!
— Да, только вот у патологоанатома сердечко слабеньким оказалось!
– Оля, что ты будешь делать, если муж тебе изменит?
– Изменю ему два раза
– А если еще раз изменит?
– Изменю ему четыре раза!
– А если еще раз?
– Брошу его нахрен! Зачем мне муж, который делает из меня проститутку?!
Проснулась утром, лежу, жду когда мама завтрак приготовит, а потом вспомнила что мама — это я!!!
— Cофочка, Вы бы, таки, хоть плаванием занялись, совсем потеряли форму…
— Ой, я Вас умоляю! Вон киты всю жизнь плавают и шо, стройнее меня?
У меня в шкафу завелась какая-то подлая, завистливая, мерзкая барабашка… Эта тварь за зиму ушила весь мой весенний гардероб… Ни одной вещи не пропустила, зараза трудолюбиваяяяяя!!!
У меня увели мужа… Теперь я поставила решётки на окна, сменила замок, сижу и думаю: “Господи, хоть бы не вернули!!!”
– Узнав мои желания, у феи сломалась волшебная палочка, золотая рыбка сдохла, а Хоттабыч вообще побрился!
Утром в зеркале: “Ну что, красота, мир спасем или прохожих напугаем?”
Фраза «Делай что хочешь» в переводе с женского означает: «Если ты сейчас не сделаешь так, как я сказала, ты умрешь».
Метки: анекдот, бодрость, дух, женщина, зарядка, мужчина, ребёнок, спать, шутка, юмор
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