Юмор

Юмор


Шутки и анекдоты

Шутки и анекдоты

Для зарядки бодрости и духа

Картинки по запросу демотиваторы рождение ребёнка

— А почему ты до сих пор не замужем? 
— Потому что ношу кольцо «Спаси и сохрани».

Вот так и живем: он у меня в сердце, а я у него в друзьях...

Вы думаете, сказки начинаются со слов «Жили-были»?. Ошибаетесь, сказки начинаются со слов «Успокойся, дорогая, она всего лишь моя знакомая!»

— Девушка, это вы сережку в парке потеряли? 
 — Я! 
 — Так пойдите к администратору и заберите. А то он сдаст ваше сокровище в вытрезвитель.

До беременности я спала на животе. Во время беременности — на боку. После рождения ребенка могу спать даже стоя!

Дорогой, пишу тебе оттуда, куда ты меня послал. Удачно, кстати!!! Хрен оказался с квартирой, деньгами и на колёсах!

Если мужчина пригласил на тортик с чаем, значит ты и без водки красивая.

Женщина звонит диетологу:
 — Доктор, мне кажется, у меня лишний вес.
 — Почему вы так решили?
 — Да вот, купила сегодня говорящие весы, взвесилась на них.
 — И что же они вам сказали?
 — Они сказали: «По одному, пожалуйста».

Женщины держат мужчин: глупые — за горло, умные — за (ну Вы понимаете) мудрые — за руку, гениальные — вообще не держат.

— Мам, а что это у тебя живот все больше и больше?

— Доча, я ела арбуз и случайно проглотила семечку, теперь внутри меня растет новый арбузик!
Дочка руки в боки:
— А НЕ БЕРЕМЕННА ЛИ ТЫ, ГОЛУБУШКА?

Мы, женщины, набираем вес потому, что накопленные с годами знания, опыт, мудрость не умещаются в нашей голове и начинают распределяться по всему телу!

— Ой, девки, а я вчера напилась и вырубилась. Потом проснулась и начала танцевать на столе... 
— Ну, с кем не бывает! 
— Да, только вот у патологоанатома сердечко слабеньким оказалось!

— Оля, что ты будешь делать, если муж тебе изменит?
 — Изменю ему два раза
 — А если еще раз изменит?
 — Изменю ему четыре раза!
 — А если еще раз?
 — Брошу его нахрен! Зачем мне муж, который делает из меня проститутку?!

Проснулась утром, лежу, жду когда мама завтрак приготовит, а потом вспомнила что мама — это я!!!

— Cофочка, Вы бы, таки, хоть плаванием занялись, совсем потеряли форму…
— Ой, я Вас умоляю! Вон киты всю жизнь плавают и шо, стройнее меня?

- Ты работаешь или просто домохозяйка?
— Я работаю женой 24 часа в сутки, я мама, женщина, дочь, будильник, повар, прислуга, няня, разнорабочий, охранник, советчик, и у меня нет отпуска или больничных, я работаю днями и ночами, и не получаю за это зарплату…
И все равно часто слышу фразу: «Но что ты делаешь целыми днями?»

 

У меня в шкафу завелась какая-то подлая, завистливая, мерзкая барабашка… Эта тварь за зиму ушила весь мой весенний гардероб… Ни одной вещи не пропустила, зараза трудолюбиваяяяяя!!!

У меня увели мужа... Теперь я поставила решётки на окна, сменила замок, сижу и думаю: «Господи, хоть бы не вернули!!!»

— Узнав мои желания, у феи сломалась волшебная палочка, золотая рыбка сдохла, а Хоттабыч вообще побрился!

Утром в зеркале: «Ну что, красота, мир спасем или прохожих напугаем?»

Фраза «Делай что хочешь» в переводе с женского означает: «Если ты сейчас не сделаешь так, как я сказала, ты умрешь».

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56 комментариев на «:-))) 061 О женщинах: После рождения ребенка могу спать даже стоя!»

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