Юмор

Юмор

Шутки и анекдоты

Шутки и анекдоты

Для зарядки бодрости и духа

Картинки по запросу демотиватор жизнь

— Да кто мы такие, чтобы противостоять силам природы…
— Петрович, не выделывайся, бери лопату и убирай снег!

Вечно то одного в доме нет, то второго не хватает. Вот и приходится или чай с воблой пить, или пиво пирожными заедать.

Мой дед научил попугая разным приколам и шуточкам времен СССР, типа: ” Не воруй — тебя посодют… “. На прошлой неделе я после дачного сезона вез вещи домой и по дороге нарушил правила. Вышел из машины и предложил “гаишнику” тысячу рублей, тот говорит, что мало. До этого в салоне попугай сидел в клетке и просто щебетал, а тут вдруг произнес громко и четко: ” Прокурор добавит! “

Разговор двух приятелей:
— Я женился недавно, жена работает в ГАИ
— Поздравляю!
— Да что ты! В первую брачную ночь уже два раза оштрафовала!
— За что?
— За превышение скорости, и остановку в неположенном месте!

Решал на досуге как-то кроссворд, последнее не отгаданное слово в кроссворде:
Вид клещей? 9 букв.
Дело принципа отгадать. Перерыл все энциклопедии и справочники, ну нет такого клеща, бился головой об стену, звонил энтомологам — бесполезно.
В следующем номере газеты ответы:
ПАССАТИЖИ!

Шел вчера по улице, поскользнулся… перед встречной женщиной упал на колени… Она помогла подняться, отряхнула, сказала, что замужем, а так бы с радостью…

– А я с мужем на рыбалку езжу! 
– О, Натаха, ты рыбачишь? 
– Поначалу рыбачила. Потом втянулась, пью, как все.

Блондинка приходит в автосалон и обращается к продавцу:
— Здравствуйте, я бы хотела приобрести «Ауди».
— Модель?
— Нет, секретарша. Но за комплимент спасибо.

До сих пор обидно, что люди, которые говорили “не могу без тебя жить” так и не передохли.

Долго смеялись, когда наконец-то раскололась наша сотрудница, которая расстроенная вошла в кабинет рано утром. Чуть не плача, она поведала такую историю:

Вечером, после работы, зашла в магазин и купила продукты. Перед сном, чтобы не забыть на работу сосиски, она написала на маленьком листочке жирным фломастером: “ДУРА! ВОЗЬМИ СОСИСКИ”! И прикрепив булавкой к своей шапке, она легла спать. Утром едет в метро на работу… мужик рядом сидит, толкает её в бок и говорит: “Ну чё, дура, сосиски-то забыла?”

Женщины — народ не привередливый. Им что Святой Валентин, что Санта Клаус, что Дед Мороз — они во всех верят, главное, чтобы мужик был хороший и с подарками…

Коллеги по работе спрашивают у женщины:
– Что задумалась? В точку смотришь и даже не разговариваешь с нами.
– Получила от мужа смс: «Блинчики зачерствели, смог съесть лишь 2 штуки». Вот сижу теперь и думаю, сказать, что купила одноразовые тарелки с рисунком под блины или лучше не надо?

Мне всегда было, есть и будет 18 лет. Всё остальное СТАЖ!!!

Мой новый парень – ветеринар!
– Что, воевал, что ли?
– Ты что, дуура? Это тот, кто мясо не ест…

На работе думала, приду домой, уберусь, блинчиков напеку… Пришла. Села на диван… И в доме вроде чисто, и есть на ночь вредно… 

Не любите женщин – врачей, они говорят “следующий!”, не любите женщин- продавцов, они говорят “встаньте в очередь”. Любите женщин-педагогов, они говорят “давайте повторим еще раз!”

Переполненный автобус. Откуда-то из центра толпы женский возмущенный голос: 
– Мужчина, что вы делаете? 
Пауза. Тот же женский голос: 
– Что вы делаете, мужчина?! 
Пауза. Заинтересованный голос с задней площадки: 
– Мужик, ну не томи душу! Скажи, что делаешь?!

Подруга отожгла. У нее сломался кухонный комбайн и электромясорубка, так она, чтобы помолоть мясо, заморозила его и потерла на терке. 
Я живу в гениальной стране!

Сегодня была на катке, сначала каталась на коньках, потом на коленях, затем мордой по льду… Сейчас вот на скорой поеду кататься… Движение – это жизнь!

– Сказала ему “нет”. 5 минут гордилась. 6 часов плакала. 2 дня в запое.

Слышала, что у стильной женщины обувь и машина должны быть одного цвета! Купила себе жёлтые сапоги, чтобы к маршрутке подходили.

Три блондинки бeгут зa отходящим поeздом. 
Двe успeвaют зaпрыгнуть, a трeтья остaётся и зaливaeтся хохотом. 
Дeжурный по вокзaлу: 
– Ну и что смeшного??? 
Блондинка: 
– Дa эти две дуры, меня провожали!!

– А твоя совесть в курсе, чем ты занимаешься?
– Совесть в доле.

В офисе за неимением ножа резали торт линейкой. После окончания трапезы хозяин линейки пошел мыть ее в туалете.
Возвращается:
— Я только сейчас понял, как выглядит мужик, выходящий из туалета с линейкой.

Два повара смотрят через раздаточное окно в зал. Один говорит:
— Вася! Вася, смотри! Он это ест!

Еду сегодня в троллейбусе. Троллейбус забит битком — комару не пролететь. И среди всей этой толкучки — весьма внушительных размеров кондукторша. Далее от нее последовала фраза, поднявшая всем пассажирам настроение на весь день:
“Держитесь, крошки, я пошла”.

ПРОДАЮ ГРАБЛИ С КРИВОЙ РУЧКОЙ: НАСТУПАЕШЬ ТЫ, А ПО ЛБУ ПОЛУЧАЕТ ИДУЩИЙ РЯДОМ.

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90 комментариев на «:-))) 056 Я живу в гениальной стране: Мужчины и женщины о себе любимых и о жизни»

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