Юмор

Юмор


Шутки и анекдоты

Шутки и анекдоты

Для зарядки бодрости и духа

Великая русская актриса Фаина Раневская, когда у нее лопнула юбка нa самом видном месте, произнесла:
— Даже юбка не выдержала такого натиска красоты.
Потом добавила:
— Не бывает полных женщин — бывает только тесная одежда!

В доме бардак! Стою с веником и думаю… убраться или… улететь?

Задолбали морозы. Снимала с вешалки бельё, сломала любимое платье.

Зашла сегодня во фруктовую палатку за мандаринами. На прилавке лежат два вида, спрашиваю у продавца:
— Какие лучше?
А он говорит:
— Вот эти сладкие, а эти хорошо чистятся.
Это был очень трудный выбор.

Идет министр с женой, она кивнула какому-то дворнику. муж:
— Это кто?
— Когда-то учились вместе, он звал меня замуж.
— Ха! Вот видишь, если бы ты тогда согласилась, то сейчас была бы женой дворника!
— Если бы я тогда согласилась, то сейчас министром был бы он!

— Мама, что делать? Муж мне ребёнка отдаёт только на кормление, сам купает, гуляет, ночью качает, сыну ещё месяца нет! Ребёнка почти не вижу, что делать с мужем?
— Не спугни!

На днях наблюдал картину. Стою на парковке у супермаркета, жду жену. Напротив стоит 99-я, из магазина выходит парень с бутылкой пива, открывает машину, садится за руль, закуривает, включает музон и пьет пиво. На противоположной стороне стоят гайцы. Увидев это, один из них подходит к нему и начинает требовать доки, мотивируя, что тот пьет за рулем. Парень его мягко посылает, "мол я не еду, и ехать не собираюсь, иди на... " продолжая свое дело. Ничего не добившись, гаец спускает переднее колесо, со словами: "пока документы не дашь, не поедешь! " Тут выходит из маркета девушка с двумя пакетами, открывает багажник, ставит пакеты, парень передает ей ключи и пересаживается на пассажирское сидение. Девушка подходит к гайцу: «а теперь, придурок накачивай колесо, или я звоню в прокуратуру» и достает телефон. У гайца шары на выкате, начинает что-то бормотать, мол хотел привлечь водителя, что тот пил и т. д. Ответ девушки (10 БАЛЛОВ! ): «он не водитель, а мой муж, у него прав ВООБЩЕ нет, езжу я и машина моя». Кто-то из водителей дал насос, причем старый, ручной, кто-то манометр, т. к. хозяйка машины требовала накачать как положено. Короче вся парковка лежала от смеха, пока гаец выполнял телодвижения вверх-вниз, замерял давление и т. п. С НЕГО РЖАЛ ДАЖЕ НАПАРНИК! 
-А девушке все аплодировали СТОЯ!!

На улице гололед... Мечта о том, что все мужчины будут у моих ног, начинает осуществляться... Пока сходила в магазин..., двум помогла встать..., а с одним... даже полежала!

Никогда не комплексовала по поводу своего возраста... Нет же, сегодня мой добрый сын спросил: 
— Мам, а когда Ленин умер, ты плакала? 
— Да, конечно, и когда динозавры вымерли, тоже рыдала...

Поздно вечером идет женщина домой через парк. Вдруг слышит: 
— Стоять! 
Она остановилась. 
— Лежать! 
Легла. 
— Ползи! 
Поползла. Вдруг над ухом, участливо: 
— Женщина, вам плохо? Я тут с собачкой занимаюсь, смотрю — вы ползете...

Поставила на звонок гимн РФ. Сижу в поликлинике в очереди, зазвонил телефон, чтобы его достать из заднего кармана пришлось встать. Смотрю следом за мной очередь потихоньку поднимается... ... Патриоты епт...

Секретaршa зaходит в кaбинет к нaчaльнику: 
 — С этого моментa у меня будет зaрплaтa в тысячу доллaров и 4 выходных дня в неделю! 
Нaчaльник с сaркaзмом: — Кто это тебе скaзaл, милaя? 
 — Гинеколог и aдвокaт!

Сижу пью кофе в кафе. Подходит парень и говорит: «Девушка, можно я за вас заплачу?»… Ну, я не растерялась — достала квитанции за газ, свет, воду…

Существует легенда, что если женщину не обижать, она не обидится…

Ужасная несправедливость: нервные клетки не восстанавливаются, а жировые — не дохнут!

Умная женщина всегда отпустит на рыбалку своего мужа! А мудрая женщина — ещё и с детьми!

Метки: , , , , , , ,

Отзывов (151) на «:-))) 051 О женщинах: Не бывает полных женщин — бывает только тесная одежда!»

  1. As a Newbie, I am constantly exploring online for articles that can help me. Thank you

  2. I really wanted to construct a note to be able to thank you for the precious concepts you are sharing at this site. My considerable internet search has finally been recognized with reasonable information to exchange with my neighbours. I would repeat that many of us readers are definitely lucky to live in a perfect place with many brilliant individuals with great ideas. I feel pretty fortunate to have used your entire website page and look forward to so many more enjoyable moments reading here. Thanks again for everything.

  3. Thanks , I've recently been looking for info about this subject for a while and yours is the best I've discovered till now. However, what about the bottom line? Are you positive about the source?

  4. My wife and i were now ecstatic when Louis could finish up his reports out of the precious recommendations he received from your own weblog. It is now and again perplexing to simply continually be making a gift of helpful hints which usually most people have been making money from. And we also keep in mind we've got the writer to be grateful to because of that. The type of explanations you made, the easy blog menu, the friendships your site make it possible to promote — it's got mostly impressive, and it is aiding our son and the family consider that that subject is fun, which is certainly extremely pressing. Thanks for the whole thing!

  5. Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to more added agreeable from you! By the way, how could we communicate?

  6. Somebody essentially help to make significantly articles I might state. That is the very first time I frequented your web page and to this point? I amazed with the analysis you made to create this actual post incredible. Fantastic task!

  7. I and my guys were found to be checking the good techniques found on your web blog while then came up with a terrible suspicion I never thanked the web site owner for those strategies. These young boys are actually certainly very interested to study all of them and have now quite simply been taking pleasure in these things. We appreciate you indeed being quite kind as well as for making a choice on certain great ideas millions of individuals are really eager to be informed on. Our own sincere regret for not saying thanks to you earlier.

  8. I think this is among the most important info for me. And i'm glad reading your article. But should remark on some general things, The web site style is perfect, the articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers

  9. I think this is one of the most vital information for me. And i'm glad reading your article. But want to remark on few general things, The website style is wonderful, the articles is really nice : D. Good job, cheers

  10. Nice blog here! Additionally your site quite a bit up very fast! What web host are you using? Can I get your associate link to your host? I desire my website loaded up as quickly as yours lol

  11. I was suggested this website by my cousin. I am not sure whether this post is written by him as no one else know such detailed about my problem. You're amazing! Thanks!

  12. Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to more added agreeable from you! However, how can we communicate?

  13. You are a very bright person!

  14. This is really interesting, You are a very skilled blogger. I've joined your feed and look forward to seeking more of your magnificent post. Also, I've shared your site in my social networks!

  15. Normally I don't read post on blogs, but I wish to say that this write-up very compelled me to check out and do so! Your writing style has been amazed me. Thank you, quite great article.

  16. I was just seeking this info for some time. After 6 hours of continuous Googleing, finally I got it in your web site. I wonder what is the lack of Google strategy that do not rank this kind of informative websites in top of the list. Normally the top websites are full of garbage.

  17. Its like you read my mind! You seem to know so much about this, like you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you can do with some pics to drive the message home a little bit, but instead of that, this is wonderful blog. A fantastic read. I will definitely be back.

  18. Good write-up, I¡¦m regular visitor of one¡¦s website, maintain up the excellent operate, and It is going to be a regular visitor for a long time.

  19. I wanted to post you a very little remark to help say thank you over again just for the exceptional knowledge you've discussed on this website. It has been quite generous with you in giving publicly just what a lot of folks could possibly have supplied as an ebook in order to make some cash for themselves, even more so considering the fact that you could possibly have done it in case you decided. Those strategies in addition worked like a fantastic way to comprehend other individuals have similar desire just like my personal own to understand a lot more in terms of this condition. I am certain there are numerous more pleasurable situations ahead for folks who check out your blog post.

  20. I was suggested this website by my cousin. I am not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my trouble. You are wonderful! Thanks!

  21. I am not sure where you're getting your info, but good topic. I needs to spend some time learning much more or understanding more. Thanks for magnificent information I was looking for this information for my mission.

  22. Excellent goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you are just too fantastic. I actually like what you've acquired here, certainly like what you're saying and the way in which you say it. You make it enjoyable and you still take care of to keep it smart. I can not wait to read much more from you. This is actually a tremendous website.

  23. You made some clear points there. I did a search on the subject and found most persons will agree with your blog.

  24. You completed various fine points there. I did a search on the issue and found nearly all folks will agree with your blog.

  25. I am only commenting to let you understand what a fantastic discovery our daughter gained reading yuor web blog. She discovered plenty of details, with the inclusion of what it is like to have a wonderful giving heart to let many more completely completely grasp a number of complicated issues. You truly exceeded our expectations. I appreciate you for churning out those important, dependable, educational not to mention fun tips about your topic to Jane.

  26. Hiya, I am really glad I've found this info. Nowadays bloggers publish just about gossips and internet and this is really frustrating. A good web site with interesting content, that's what I need. Thank you for keeping this web site, I will be visiting it. Do you do newsletters? Can not find it.

  27. Thank you, I have recently been looking for information approximately this topic for a long time and yours is the best I've came upon so far. However, what concerning the conclusion? Are you positive concerning the supply?

  28. Great tremendous things here. I am very happy to see your article. Thanks so much and i'm looking ahead to contact you. Will you kindly drop me a mail?

    • admin:

      Read my answers to frequently asked questions in a post attached to the main page of the site.

      With respect. Admin

  29. I as well as my buddies were found to be going through the great helpful tips located on the blog and before long came up with a terrible feeling I had not expressed respect to the site owner for them. These people are actually totally warmed to see them and have in effect very much been enjoying those things. I appreciate you for turning out to be very accommodating and for figuring out varieties of quality ideas millions of individuals are really desirous to learn about. Our honest apologies for not expressing gratitude to you sooner.

  30. Hurrah, that's what I was looking for, what a data! present here at this website, thanks admin of this website.

  31. I've learn a few just right stuff here. Definitely worth bookmarking for revisiting. I surprise how a lot effort you set to create any such wonderful informative website.

  32. My wife and i have been really glad when Emmanuel could finish up his basic research out of the precious recommendations he was given in your web pages. It's not at all simplistic to just choose to be giving away strategies that many some other people may have been selling. And we also understand we now have the writer to be grateful to for this. The main illustrations you made, the straightforward site menu, the relationships your site help create — it is all overwhelming, and it is assisting our son and the family consider that this theme is exciting, and that's seriously mandatory. Thanks for the whole thing!

  33. Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to far added agreeable from you! By the way, how could we communicate?

    • admin:

      Read my answers to frequently asked questions in a post attached to the main page of the site. On the rules for posting comments on the site, read on the main page in the post «For those who are new to the site.»

      With respect. Admin

  34. Hi, Neat post. There's an issue together with your web site in internet explorer, could check this¡K IE still is the market chief and a large part of folks will miss your great writing due to this problem.

    • admin:

      Read my answers to frequently asked questions in a post attached to the main page of the site. On the rules for posting comments on the site, read on the main page in the post «For those who are new to the site.»

      With respect. Admin

  35. Good ¡V I should definitely pronounce, impressed with your web site. I had no trouble navigating through all the tabs and related information ended up being truly simple to do to access. I recently found what I hoped for before you know it at all. Reasonably unusual. Is likely to appreciate it for those who add forums or anything, site theme . a tones way for your customer to communicate. Excellent task...

  36. It's appropriate time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I've read this post and if I could I want to suggest you few interesting things or suggestions. Perhaps you could write next articles referring to this article. I wish to read more things about it!

  37. I could not resist commenting. Exceptionally well written!

  38. I am constantly searching online for posts that can help me. Thank you!

  39. Hi, Neat post. There is an issue with your web site in web explorer, could check this¡K IE nonetheless is the marketplace chief and a good part of other folks will pass over your fantastic writing due to this problem.

    • admin:

      Read my answers to frequently asked questions in a post attached to the main page of the site. On the rules for posting comments on the site, read on the main page in the post «For those who are new to the site.»

      With respect. Admin

  40. My husband and i ended up being really happy Emmanuel managed to conclude his homework with the precious recommendations he gained from your very own site. It's not at all simplistic to simply choose to be releasing ideas others could have been selling. And now we figure out we have got the website owner to give thanks to because of that. The entire explanations you made, the easy web site menu, the friendships you help instill — it is many great, and it is making our son in addition to our family recognize that the concept is interesting, which is certainly rather essential. Thank you for everything!

  41. Keep functioning ,impressive job!

  42. I have been surfing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me. Personally, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the net will be much more useful than ever before.

наверх Счетчик PR-CY.Rank