Юмор

Юмор


Шутки и анекдоты

Шутки и анекдоты

Для зарядки бодрости и духа

А куда бежал

— Думаешь, что возьмешь и перевоспитаешь меня? Да проще тpи pаза из пепла воскреснуть, чем совершить этот крайне бессмысленный поступок.
— Милый, что ты там бубнишь себе под нос?
— Я говорю посуду помыл и сделаю сейчас тебе кофе.

Мы так давно женаты, что жена может договаривать мои фразы.
Начало тоже придумывает она, и ещё что-то добавляет от себя в середине.

Бог:
— Ну что, Адам, не жалко ребра-то?
 – Ребра-то не жалко, только предчувствие у меня нехорошее.

 

Разговаривают два приятеля:
— Моя жена говорит, что полезно овощи есть сырыми.
— Моя тоже не любит готовить…

— Симочка, а шо таки тебе привезти с командировки?
— Абрам, веди себя правильно и тогда ничего не привезёшь.

— Софочка, ты таки вышла замуж?! Ну и шо ты скажешь за первую брачную ночь?
 - Та! Всю ночь меняла фамилию в социальных сетях...

 

Две подруги Вконтакте:
— Привет! Как выходные?
— Удались!
— Сама удались, овца…

 

 Идет премьера в театре, но мужчине — зрителю все время мешают разговором две дамы, сидящие позади него. — Простите, — обернулся он к ним.
 — Я не могу услышать ни одного слова. 
 — Да вы просто нахал! — возмутились женщины. — То, о чем мы говорим, вас совершенно не касается.

Ночью предметы меняют свои очертания. Берёшь стакан водички попить, а в руке уже почему-то бутерброд с колбасой.

Милиционер — потерявшейся в магазине девочке: — Почему ты плачешь?
 — Я родите-е-лей потеряла! — А как их зовут? — Лапочка и Котик.

После того, как маленький Витя научился считать, папе пришлось делить пельмени поровну.

Трехлетняя дочка сегодня дает папе грушу:
 — Папа, поешь!
Он берет у нее грушу, начинает есть.
Она, смотря на него с обидой, снова настойчиво:
 — Папа, поешь!
Он в непонятках, начинает есть активнее.
Дочь уже почти в слезах:
 — Папа! Поешь!
Он ей:
 — Дочь, да в чем дело, я ем!?
 — Папа, пьинеси нож и поешь мне на кусочки!

— Доктор, у меня хорошее настроение: хочу ходить по кафе, магазинам и покупать всё, что нравится! Что со мной?
 — Это у вас зарплата... пройдёт.

 

Таксист подвозит состоятельного мужчину. Тот расплачивается ровно по счетчику. Таксист:
— Я вчера вашего сына подвозил, так он мне 100 долларов на чай оставил.
— Так у него папа миллионер, а я — сирота.

Хочешь денег в два раза больше? Положи их перед зеркалом.

Собеседование.
— Назовите ваши сильные стороны.
— Настойчивость!
— Спасибо, мы свяжемся с вам.
— Я подожду здесь!

Что я делаю на работе? Изо всех сил стараюсь не уволиться!

О зарплате

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