Юмор

Юмор


Шутки и анекдоты

Шутки и анекдоты

Нам шутка строить и жить помогает,
Она, как друг, и зовет, и ведет,
И тот, кто с шуткой по жизни шагает,
Тот никогда и нигде не пропадет.

(Что-то мне эти слова напоминают?!.. А???)

 

Жизнь — это как фотография: получается лучше, когда ты улыбаешься.

 

— Помнишь, я сегодня утром бегала по квартире с радостным криком: «Ура! Я наконец-то нашла ключи!!!»?
— Ну да.
— Ты не видел, куда я их после этого положила?

— Почему вы отказали жильцу?
 — Я не любопытна, но если человек постоянно завешивает замочную скважину, это подозрительно.

 Приметы:
Выпрямила волосы- к дождю.
Уложила волосы- к ветру.
Красиво уложила- к урагану.
На башке хаос- встретила всех знакомых.

 

Жена уехала в командировку. 
Муж будит ребенка 
и ведет в садик. 
Пришли в один, 
а им говорят: 
— Это не наш ребенок! 
пришли в другой — та же история. 
садятся в автобус едут, 
тут ребенок и говорит: 
— Папа, еще один садик 
и я в школу опоздаю!

Мама одного ребенка — наивна и неопытна, как новобранец в армии. Мама двух детей — спокойна и уверенна, как дембель. Мама трех детей — это СПЕЦНАЗ.

Ребенок пишет: «РАДИТЕЛИ».
Я спрашиваю: "А какое проверочное слово? " Ребенок ласково прищурившись отвечает: «РАДОСТЬ»
Даже исправлять не хочется))

Фармацевт объясняет практикантке:
 — А из этой банки мы наливаем, если рецепт уж совсем неразборчивый!

Эх как просто мы раньше жили: захотел в туалет — книгу в руки и пошел. А сейчас — как в экспедицию собираешься: Ipad, два мобильника, очки.

Идет судебный процесс. У свидетеля спрашивают:
 — Скажите, это правда, что подсудимый живет с этой женщиной как муж с женой?
 — Нет, ваша честь, намного лучше.

Сын спрашивает у отца:
 — А как змея разговаривает?
Отец, глядя на тещу:
 — Ну, что же вы молчите? Внук интересуется!

Мне сказали: «Пить надо в меру». Заглянул я в словарь, а там: «Мера (старорусск.) — единица объема, равна 26,24 литра…». Опаньки!..

— Мужик, а что это у тебя оба уха перевязаны?
 — Да, я белье гладил, и тут телефон зазвонил.
 — И?
 — Ну что и? Вместо трубки в утюг але сказал...
 — Аа... понятно... а со вторым ухом что?
 — Так, это... скорую вызывал...

Идеальный гардероб

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