Юмор

Юмор


Шутки и анекдоты

Шутки и анекдоты

О свечах

 

5.00 утра, телефонный звонок: — «Здравствуйте, это общество защиты животных?» Ответ сонного уставшего человека: — И кто тебя обидел, козел?

В автобусе:
 — Ваш билет?
 — Нету, а ваш?
 — Я контролер, вообще-то!
 — А я электрик, так что мне теперь, за свет не платить?!

Выходной — самый тяжелый день недели. Надо и отдохнуть и выспаться и в квартире убраться и погулять и побухать. И не знаешь с чего начать.

Говорят, молодежь не та? Так ведь и бабушки уже не те... Носки не вяжут, пироги не пекут — В ИНТЕРНЕТЕ СИДЯТ!

Достали звонками в дверь: то свидетели Иеговы, то рекламы, то продают всякую хрень… Поменяла звонок, на звук выстрела… ТРЕТИЙ ДЕНЬ Т И Ш И Н А…

Женщина — это шкатулка с секретом, мужчина — сундук со сказками.

— Здравствуйте, это вам из ФСБ звонят.
— Я знаю.
— Откуда?
— Вы мне на выключенный мобильник дозвонились.

“Обама и его генералы спорят в Пентагоне и не могут договориться, когда лучше всего напасть на Россию. Наконец они решают спросить французов. «Когда лучше всего напасть на Россию?» Французы отвечают: “Мы не знаем, но точно не зимой. Дело плохо кончится”. Тогда решили спросить у немцев: “Когда лучше всего напасть на Россию?” Немцы ответили: “Мы не знаем, но точно не летом. Мы уже пробовали…” Что делать? Кто-то предложил спросить у Китая, ведь он прогрессивный и всегда предлагает новые идеи. Спросили у китайцев, когда же лучше всего напасть на Россию?

Китайцы отвечают: “Прямо сейчас! Россия начала строить “Силу Сибири”, “Турецкий поток”, космодром “Восточный”, мост в Крым, а в ближайшее время русские хотят модернизировать Байкало-Амурскую магистраль, возводят новые спортивные комплексы для чемпионата мира по футболу и атлетике, планируют добычу в Арктике… В общем, сейчас им очень нужно побольше пленных!

Парикмахер подстригает трейдера. — Ну как дела на бирже? — Да, ничего нормально… через пару минут., — Ну как у вас на бирже дела-то? — Да нормально, спасибо… ещё через пару минут 
— Ну чего там на бирже, как? — Да что Вы меня всё одно и тоже спрашиваете?! — Понимаете, когда я Вас об этом спрашиваю, у Вас волосы дыбом встают, стричь удобнее. :-)))

У того, кто играл в тетрис, нет проблем с расстановкой грязной посуды в раковине...

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Отзывов (140) на «:-))) 039 Такова уж жизнь: Поменяла звонок на звук выстрела… ТРЕТИЙ ДЕНЬ Т И Ш И Н А…»

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