Шутки и анекдоты

Шутки и анекдоты

Для зарядки бодрости и духа

Что обозначают кольца на крыше свадебной машины?
Начальный счет 0:0

В компании друзей один из них:
 — Послушал я вас тут... Ужас! Вы что? С женой нельзя миндальничать! По любому вопросу надо обязательно настоять на своем! Только так! Чтобы не забывала, где ее место! 
В его кармане звонит мобильный: «Слушаю, дорогая. Да. Да. Понял. Не забуду. Да, дорогая… Тебе виднее… Делай, как знаешь, милая… Ты, как всегда, права… Целую, дорогая».
Пауза. Потом голос: 
 — Жёстко ты с ней! Будет знать, где ее место!

Вчера на заправке встретил поляков. Тычут мне в навигатор пальцем и, как я понял, им нужно в Смоленск. Я, как истинный потомок Сусанина, забил им Соликамск. Ну а когда они ещё Россию посмотрят?

Купи машину, порадуй себя, друзей, кредиторов, гаишников.

Меняю тещу на змею. Выплачу разницу.

Пока я брился в ванной, жена у меня что-то спросила, сама себе ответила, сама с собой поругалась — и из ванной я вышел разведенным человеком.

Приходит скалолаз к травматологу и жалуется:
 — Доктор, у меня в последнее время проблемы со здоровьем: пока по стене лезу — все в порядке, а как на потолок выхожу — спину ломить начинает.
 — Э-э-э, голубчик! Вам не ко мне, вам к психиатру...

— Алло, доча! Я вас утром завтра жду. Что там зять мой делает?
— Он, мама, ест огурцы, селёдку, морскую капусту и запивает это молоком…
— Я смотрю, он готов обосраться, лишь бы ко мне не ехать?


— Алло! Скажите, почему ваш антивирус так долго фильм?
— А как вы хотели? Он его смотрит!


Две санитарки разговаривают в роддоме: 
— Кто это так громко плачет??? Не та ли тройня, что родилась сегодня ночью? 
— Нет, это их отец в коридоре…


Жена возвращается с ночной смены и говорит мужу:
— Дорогой, а что это стол такой чистый? Ты даже не кушал, что ли?
И тут вдруг попугай говорит:
— Света, не вытирай так хорошо! Не вытирай, а то моя дура не поверит! Не поверит!


— Что такое «уйти по-русски»?
— Долго прощаться, выпить всю водку, остаться ночевать.

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