Юмор

Юмор


Шутки и анекдоты

Шутки и анекдоты

Для зарядки бодрости и духа

Что обозначают кольца на крыше свадебной машины?
Начальный счет 0:0

В компании друзей один из них:
 — Послушал я вас тут... Ужас! Вы что? С женой нельзя миндальничать! По любому вопросу надо обязательно настоять на своем! Только так! Чтобы не забывала, где ее место! 
В его кармане звонит мобильный: «Слушаю, дорогая. Да. Да. Понял. Не забуду. Да, дорогая… Тебе виднее… Делай, как знаешь, милая… Ты, как всегда, права… Целую, дорогая».
Пауза. Потом голос: 
 — Жёстко ты с ней! Будет знать, где ее место!

Вчера на заправке встретил поляков. Тычут мне в навигатор пальцем и, как я понял, им нужно в Смоленск. Я, как истинный потомок Сусанина, забил им Соликамск. Ну а когда они ещё Россию посмотрят?

Купи машину, порадуй себя, друзей, кредиторов, гаишников.

Меняю тещу на змею. Выплачу разницу.

Пока я брился в ванной, жена у меня что-то спросила, сама себе ответила, сама с собой поругалась — и из ванной я вышел разведенным человеком.

Приходит скалолаз к травматологу и жалуется:
 — Доктор, у меня в последнее время проблемы со здоровьем: пока по стене лезу — все в порядке, а как на потолок выхожу — спину ломить начинает.
 — Э-э-э, голубчик! Вам не ко мне, вам к психиатру...

— Алло, доча! Я вас утром завтра жду. Что там зять мой делает?
— Он, мама, ест огурцы, селёдку, морскую капусту и запивает это молоком…
— Я смотрю, он готов обосраться, лишь бы ко мне не ехать?

 

— Алло! Скажите, почему ваш антивирус так долго фильм?
— А как вы хотели? Он его смотрит!

 

Две санитарки разговаривают в роддоме: 
— Кто это так громко плачет??? Не та ли тройня, что родилась сегодня ночью? 
— Нет, это их отец в коридоре…

 

Жена возвращается с ночной смены и говорит мужу:
— Дорогой, а что это стол такой чистый? Ты даже не кушал, что ли?
И тут вдруг попугай говорит:
— Света, не вытирай так хорошо! Не вытирай, а то моя дура не поверит! Не поверит!

 

— Что такое «уйти по-русски»?
— Долго прощаться, выпить всю водку, остаться ночевать.

Метки: , , , , , ,

Отзывов (143) на «:-))) 033 Вчера воевал с депрессией. Друзья подносили боеприпасы...»

  1. This is really interesting, You're a very skilled blogger. I've joined your rss feed and look forward to seeking more of your wonderful post. Also, I have shared your site in my social networks!

  2. I just could not depart your site prior to suggesting that I extremely loved the standard info an individual provide to your visitors? Is going to be again steadily to investigate cross-check new posts

  3. Heya i am for the first time here. I found this board and I find It truly useful & it helped me out much. I hope to give something back and aid others like you aided me.

  4. Great amazing issues here. I¡¦m very happy to peer your article. Thanks a lot and i'm looking ahead to contact you. Will you please drop me a mail?

  5. I’m not sure where you are getting your info, but great topic. I needs to spend some time learning much more or understanding more. Thanks for wonderful info I was looking for this info for my mission.

  6. I do agree with all of the ideas you've offered on your post. They are very convincing and can certainly work. Still, the posts are very brief for starters. May just you please lengthen them a little from subsequent time? Thank you for the post.

  7. Hello. splendid job. I did not anticipate this. This is a excellent story. Thanks!

  8. Thank you a bunch for sharing this with all folks you actually recognize what you're talking about! Bookmarked. Please also visit my website =). We can have a link change contract between us!

  9. Generally I don't read post on blogs, but I would like to say that this write-up very pressured me to take a look at and do so! Your writing taste has been amazed me. Thank you, very nice article.

  10. I have been checking out many of your articles and i can claim nice stuff. I will make sure to bookmark your site.

  11. Wow, amazing weblog layout! How lengthy have you been blogging for? you made running a blog glance easy. The overall look of your site is great, as neatly as the content material!

  12. A person necessarily assist to make severely articles I would state. That is the first time I frequented your website page and up to now? I surprised with the research you made to create this actual publish extraordinary. Great job!

  13. I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I do not know who you are but certainly you're going to a famous blogger if you aren't already 😉 Cheers!

  14. Hello. Great job. I did not anticipate this. This is a fantastic story. Thanks!

  15. Helpful information. Lucky me I discovered your web site accidentally, and I'm surprised why this coincidence didn't happened earlier! I bookmarked it.

  16. I have recently started a blog, the info you offer on this website has helped me tremendously. Thank you for all of your time & work.

  17. Wow, awesome blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your site is great, let alone the content!

  18. Thank you, I have recently been looking for information about this subject for a long time and yours is the best I have discovered so far. However, what in regards to the conclusion? Are you sure about the supply?

    • admin:

      Read my answers to frequently asked questions in a post attached to the main page of the site.

      With respect. Admin

  19. I get pleasure from, cause I discovered exactly what I used to be looking for. You've ended my four day lengthy hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye

  20. Excellent goods from you, man. I've understand your stuff previous to and you are just extremely wonderful. I really like what you've acquired here, really like what you're stating and the way in which you say it. You make it entertaining and you still take care of to keep it smart. I cant wait to read much more from you. This is really a terrific web site.

  21. you're really a excellent webmaster. The web site loading pace is amazing. It kind of feels that you're doing any distinctive trick. Furthermore, The contents are masterpiece. you've done a wonderful activity in this matter!

  22. My husband and i were happy that Louis managed to do his survey with the precious recommendations he was given from your own web site. It's not at all simplistic just to possibly be giving for free guides which usually many others could have been selling. And we also take into account we now have you to be grateful to for that. All the explanations you made, the easy blog menu, the relationships your site assist to foster — it's many great, and it is assisting our son and us feel that the issue is pleasurable, which is rather important. Thanks for the whole thing!

  23. I was just searching for this info for some time. After six hours of continuous Googleing, finally I got it in your site. I wonder what is the lack of Google strategy that do not rank this kind of informative sites in top of the list. Generally the top websites are full of garbage.

  24. I was just seeking this info for some time. After 6 hours of continuous Googleing, at last I got it in your site. I wonder what is the lack of Google strategy that don't rank this type of informative web sites in top of the list. Usually the top websites are full of garbage.

  25. I like what you guys are up too. Such smart work and reporting! Keep up the excellent works guys I¡¦ve incorporated you guys to my blogroll. I think it will improve the value of my website :)

  26. Excellent read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch because I found it for him smile Therefore let me rephrase that: Thank you for lunch!

  27. hi!,I like your writing so much! proportion we be in contact extra approximately your article on AOL? I require an expert in this area to solve my problem. Maybe that is you! Taking a look ahead to peer you.

  28. I¡¦ll right away grab your rss as I can't to find your email subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter service. Do you have any? Please permit me understand so that I may just subscribe. Thanks.

  29. Heya i’m for the first time here. I came across this board and I find It truly useful & it helped me out much. I hope to give something back and aid others like you helped me.

  30. It¡¦s actually a nice and helpful piece of information. I¡¦m happy that you shared this useful information with us. Please keep us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.

  31. Wow, that's what I was searching for, what a stuff! existing here at this web site, thanks admin of this site.

  32. I must show my love for your kind-heartedness for persons who have the need for assistance with this niche. Your very own dedication to passing the message up and down appeared to be exceedingly productive and have truly empowered men and women much like me to reach their targets. Your personal interesting useful information means a great deal to me and extremely more to my mates. With thanks; from each one of us.

  33. Hi there, You've done an excellent job. I’ll certainly digg it and personally recommend to my friends. I'm confident they will be benefited from this website.

  34. As a Newbie, I am always exploring online for articles that can aid me. Thank you

  35. I have been exploring for a little bit for any high-quality articles or blog posts on this sort of area . Exploring in Yahoo I ultimately stumbled upon this site. Reading this information So i am glad to exhibit that I have a very excellent uncanny feeling I came upon exactly what I needed. I most no doubt will make certain to do not forget this site and provides it a glance regularly.

  36. Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to more added agreeable from you! However, how could we communicate?

  37. Thanks for every one of your hard work on this web site. My mom takes pleasure in managing investigation and it's really obvious why. I learn all relating to the compelling means you create advantageous techniques on the web blog and even recommend response from other individuals on the issue plus our favorite child is really becoming educated a lot. Enjoy the rest of the new year. Your doing a powerful job.

  38. Somebody necessarily help to make severely posts I'd state. That is the very first time I frequented your website page and to this point? I amazed with the analysis you made to make this particular post incredible. Great job!

наверх Счетчик PR-CY.Rank