Шутки и анекдоты

Шутки и анекдоты

Юмор для зарядки бодрости и духа


В автобусе сидит дама, с ребёнком лет 5-ти. У ребёнка на голове надета хрустальная ваза, сразу видно, что дорогая. Многие удивлённо поглядывают на ребенка, но спросить, зачем на ребёнке ваза, не решаются. И тут мальчик спрашивает у своей мамы:- Мама, я царь?На что та отвечает ему, с явным раздражением:- Падла ты, а не царь!Сердобольная соседка возмутилась:
— Разве можно так ребенка ругать?
— А он в посудном отделе, пока я отвернулась, на голову вазу натянул. Всем отделом пытались снять, не получилось, пришлось купить...


Гоша (3,5 года) болеет. Приходит врач:
— Ну, Гоша, и чем ты умудрился заболеть?
Гоша очень деловито:
— Мы с мамой тоже хотели бы это знать.


Дочь, 6 лет, ест борщ. Предлагаю взять лук или чеснок.
— Не хочу.
— От лука и чеснока погибает много микробов и вирусов.
— Лучше бы они от шоколада умирали.


… Еду с сыном(4 года) в маршрутке. Играю с ним в слова. Я начинаю:
— Ты мой ко…
— … тик.
— Ты мой ё…
— жик.
— Ты мой за… (естественно я имею ввиду зайчика).
Ответ заставил лечь всю маршрутку:
— …сранец!


Когда моему сыну было 2,5 года он постоянно засыпал держась за мамину руку.
Вечер. Тихо. Темно. Малый засыпает, мать держит его за руку.
10 минут. 15.20. Ей надо отойти и она шепотом просит меня поменять ее.
Меняемся. Малыш в темноте щупает поменянную, непривычно большую руку и спрашивает полусонный:
 — Это что, нога?


Маленькая дочь устроила большой бардак в квартире. Отец:
— Чужой труд надо уважать!
Девочка удивленно:
— Ты что! Мама нам не чужая!!!


— Здесь мы видим, что крокодил отложил яйца. Кто знает, зачем?
— Старый он уже. Не нужны они ему...


Мать оставила дочь (3 года) с отцом... Он сидит за компом, а дочь с ним в куклы играет- носит ему воду в кукольной посудке, а он пьёт приговаривая: «Ммм... Вкусно! налей ещё!» Та носит, старается...Радовался он до тех пор, пока не понял, что единственная вода, до которой дочь может дотянуться — только в унитазе.


Мой ребенок ведет себя так, будто его не кормят. Например, придем к моим родителям, так она просит: «Бабушка, дай кусочек черного хлебушка». Или купили как-то картошки, идем из магазина, она на весь двор вопит радостно: «Ура! Мы картошки купили! Картошки поедим!»


— Когда же вы со мной поиграете? Папа с работы — сразу за телевизор. А мама — барыня какая! — сразу стирать начала.


Наташа, 3 года:
 — Мама, а почему ты меня никуда не отдаешь?
 — А куда тебя отдать?
 — Или замуж, или в балет!


Ребенок рассматривает семейный альбом:
— Мама, а кто это с тобой здесь на пляже — такой красивый, мускулистый и кучерявый дяденька?
— Это твой папа!
— А кто тогда этот толстый, лысый хмырь, который живет с нами?!

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