Шутки и анекдоты

Шутки и анекдоты

Юмор для зарядки бодрости и духа


О семье

Дорогая, что у нас сегодня на ужин? — Очень ленивые голубцы! — Это как? — Капуста на балконе, фарш в морозилке!

Жена с любовником лежат в постели. Телефонный звонок. Жена взяла трубку, перекинулась парой слов, положила. Любовник:
 — Кто звонил?
 — Муж. Сказал, что с тобой в шахматы играет.

Как папа сказал, так по-маминому и будет!

Никогда не женись на женщине, с которой можно жить. Женись на той, без которой жить нельзя.

Ругаются молодожены.
Она ему:
— Ах так!? Я сейчас же уезжаю к маме!
(После паузы)
 — И привезу ее к нам!

Супруги в ссоре:

— Хотя бы посуду за собой помыл, скотина!

– Не могу… Копыта мешают.

 О мужчинах

Безразличие делает женщину нервной сукой, а забота делает ее ласковым котёнком. Каждый мужчина имеет то, что заслуживает!

В верхнем ящике стола у меня всякий хлам, которым я не пользуюсь. Особенно бросаются в глаза трудовая, загранпаспорт и диплом.

Вчера выиграл суд у ГИБДД... Мой адвокат доказал, что при скорости 250 км/ч знака 40 не видно!

Вчера постирал джинсы. Теперь у меня есть чистые джинсы, чистый телефон и небольшой опыт в отмывании денег.

Вчера устроил коту возмездие: заглядывал ему в глаза, пока он ел, барабанил в дверь, когда он сидел на лотке, и спал, сложив на него ноги.

Живу с девушкой. Раньше всё валялось на своих местах, а теперь аккуратно сложено неизвестно где.

Настоящий мужчина — это мужчина, который точно помнит день рождения женщины и никогда не знает, сколько ей лет. Мужчина, который никогда не помнит дня рождения женщины, но точно знает, сколько ей лет — это ее муж. Фаина Раневская

О женщинах

Если мужчина не может обеспечить вам тепло, комфорт и защитить от жизненных неурядиц — его лучше оставить там, где вы его нашли!

Женщина умнее мужчин. Вы когда-нибудь слышали о женщине, которая бы потеряла голову только от того, что у мужчины красивые ноги? Фаина Раневская

И всё-таки каблуки вещь необыкновенная... Надела — шикарная женщина, сняла — Cчастливый человек.

Иногда я открываю шкаф, долго смотрю в него и понимаю, что две трети одежды я держу на случай, если сойду с ума...

Как хочется куда- нибудь на речку... с удочкой, пивком и табличкой: Осторожно! Злая, уставшая женщина!

Классно быть в отпуске! Хочу убираюсь, хочу стираю, хочу глажу. А захочу — психану и уеду. На дачу. Буду поливать, полоть, копать...

Это неправда, что женщины не могут хранить тайну. Просто нужно помнить, что это нелегкая задача, и женщины лучше всего справляются с ней коллективно...

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